My name is Erin. I’m an artist and the creative director of Erin Ruth Artworks, a website that provides insight into the psychology of artistic expression.
Last month I showcased my grandmother’s artwork, and I did a collaboration with her, you can check that out in my blog posts. This month I want to share some of my dad’s artwork. He did mostly pencil sketches or charcoal of animals & landscapes. As I mentioned, he was a huge fan of Bob Ross. I only recall one oil painting of a mountain scene he’s ever done. These are all sketches he did before he had kids. I don’t have any memories of him drawing or painting. Just like myself, his sketches are more realistic than his paintings…it’s something we both needed to improve on. I gave him a paint set so we could work on it together, but time was not on our side, Dad passed in February 2022.
Dad gifted his sketch book, and this note to me a couple years before he passed. At the time all I was able to do was put them in a drawer. That may sound hateful to you, but Dad and I had an increasingly strained relationship since my son was little.
There’s something about becoming a parent yourself and feeling that intense love for such a tiny human, that stirs up emotions from your own childhood. I think your 30’s or 40’s are considered your midlife crisis because it’s the line in the sand where either you put on your big panties and do the work to mature emotionally, or not. Scientists say there are a staggering number of adults operating with the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old.
A year or so before he passed, his health started failing and I resented the fact that he wanted to depend on me so much. Our interactions at that time were pretty heated. I was determined to make him answer for past things and not just ignore it. My heart battled with my conscience, and the day I got that phone call to come to the ER, the past didn’t matter. I was there with him for those couple days in the hospital. I apologized to him for saying things to upset him those few weeks before his collapse. He said he forgave me. That was all he was willing to offer, so I let it go. Me and him were there together his last few moments, we were watching Columbo, one of his favorite shows…and the next second he was gone.
Since then, I have done A LOT of reflecting and processing, and I have concluded that the dysfunction is not his alone. There are generations of emotionally immature adults having children and doing the best they know how or the best they are willing to do. All I can do is identify the dysfunction and try not to pass it to Noah.
I was finally ready to hang his art on my walls in 2024. When I look at his art, it’s not so much the art itself that evokes a feeling, It’s the act of him giving it to me. Maybe he was trying to say more to me in that act than I was ready to receive. I am now able to enjoy his artwork, and paint with his paints. I find myself regretting not asking him more…he was well-read, self-taught, and had a lot of knowledge to share.
I guess my message is, if you’re struggling with a parent who refuses to mature emotionally and refuses to acknowledge how they made you feel…you may not feel a release until they are gone. My husband is currently in the same boat, only with parents 10x worse. He has gone no contact with his parents and is planning to move us 2 states away for separation. If you’re a family member of ours and you are triggered by me sharing this…then maybe you’re one of those 12-year-olds and you need to do the work.
Until next month folks, have fun adulting!!
